GUILT

What would you do when the only family you had committed suicide?? What would you do when you realize that you’ve not been there when you’re supposed to? What would you do when you won’t see your beautiful 14 years old little sis? What would you say when people ask for the reason for her suicide but then it’s an abomination?? What would you do? What would you do when the only reason you have been pushing yourself to success is no more? 

These are the questions I keep asking myself ever since the death of my little sis, she committed suicide last weekend and I decided to check her stuff yesterday when I found a letter directed to me, she explained why she did what she did and I must say the guiltiness is killing me slowly, I’m very disappointed in myself and I’m sure my parent are shaking their heads at me in their graves right now because I failed to protect my sister as I promised.

I should have noticed the changes,  I should have noticed the flinches when I or someone else touched her, I should have noticed the signs but stupid me think she’s going through changes because of puberty, HOW DARE ME!!

To think she has been with my paternal uncle ever since the death of our parents when she was just 9 years, to think she has been going through pains ever since she was 9, she suffered with me thinking she is enjoying,  thinking she’s being pampered she’s always telling me to visit her but I’m always too busy,   she tried to tell me MANY TIMES! But I told her to stop being childish.

The day I saw the statistics on rape I never believed I would be a family to the victim and the perpetrator —Statistics show that 93% of teen victims know their perpetrators,59% were acquaintances, 34% were family members, and  7% were strangers to the victim. To say I’m still shocked is an understatement.

 In my younger sister’s suicide letter, she explained thoroughly leaving no details how my uncle abused her sexually and how she tried telling people but no one gave her a listening ear, how he beats her when she did not give in, I couldn’t finish the letter because if reading it alone can make me faint, just what kind pain did my sister have to endure from that monster that called himself my uncle, my favorite uncle to be precise.

He is where he’s supposed to be now–prison but I’ll never forgive him for taking away the only family left for me, I’ll never forgive him for what he made my sister pass through, for the trauma she had before dying, for every tear she shed he’ll suffer even if 

justice is not served.

For my sister, I’ll be a better person, I’ll always listen to people’s problems, for her I’ll try and make every rape victim speak out. I know it won’t stop the guilt but I’ll try.

If you’re a victim of rape, know that you’re not dirty, it’s not your fault that you’re raped, it’s not your fault!!, suicide is not an option, don’t blame yourself for the idiots that couldn’t control themselves, teenagers out there card of speaking out, try talking to someone, it reduced the burden off you. Know that you’re loved no matter what.

Say NO TO RAPE AND SEXUAL VIOLENCE